[	mood	|	devious	]
[	music	|	Muse-Time is running out	]

Over the past year or months that you have know me did I change since I 1st started talking to you?

If I did change..tell me what change? (ex. your emotions are all fucked)

Is there anything you want to change about me?

Is there anything you hate about me?

What do you like about me?

Am I worthless? Why or why not?

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	KoRn-4 U	]

"Hey, I know feels like I lost everything
That I've known, I cannot survive alone
It feels like I lost everything that I've known

I keep holding on, I feel I'm where I belong
Everytime time we fight, it feels so wrong
I feel so enslaved fuck my pride
Then we meet again"--KoRn--

"Maybe I'm to blame
maybe I'm a Liar
maybe we're the same
nothing can stop the fire
I can't feel my heart
but I feel the shame
Nothing left to say
soon I'll fade away"--KoRn--

"The hurt inside is fading
This shit gone way too far.
All this time I've been waiting
No I can not grieve anymore.
For what's inside awaking.
I'm not, I'm not a whore
You've taken everything and oh I can not give anymore."--KoRn--

"My mind is done with this
Okay, I've got a question.
"Can I throw it all away?"
Take back what's mine
So I take my time, guiding the blade down the line
Each cut closer to the vein (Bleed, Bleed)"--KoRn--

I went to school today. It was alright cept for the fact I was in fucking pain! haha i was reading this story billi and I are writing...and usually my character ends up being a slut :)

Me-quote acara needs to fix her make up unquote

Billi-huh? what her make up was messed up.

Me-dirty

Billi-my mind isn't like that...

Me-Acara had to fix her clothes when she and lestat were in the car in the last story..think

Billi-ooooo no...she messed up her make up..

lol...fun times. I'm slipping into my depressed mood lately. I should be happy. I had a great birthday, I'm having fun in school...well only cause its the last weeks of school. But, nope, fucking depressed. whatever, I had it.

"We are now the chosen toys of caddy girls and pretty boys,
make up that face to win the race, life's a bitch in this town,
suck my dick in this town.
This town is our town, it is so glamourous,
I bet you'd live here if you could and be one of us.
This town is our town, so fuckin glamorous,
I bet you'd live here if you could and be one of us.
Change our minds like we said before, we are dreamers,
we are whores, discarded scars like worn out cars,
litter the streets of, this town, litter the streets of this town.
This town is our town, it is so glamourous"--KoRn and Kittie--

I lied to you, and you, and you, and you, and everyone in between. I am still fucking cutting! I still am fucking suicidal! Now, what the fuck are you going to do about, you little fucking bitches?????? NOTHING! Cause you can't do ANYTHING to make me STOP.

"I let it all slip away, let it all slip away...LET IT ALL SLIP AWAY!"--Slipknot--

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	Shinedown-Fly	]

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
On my shoulders

All alone I pierce the chain
And all in all the sting remains
And dieing eyes consume me now
The voice inside screams out loud

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Every day a new deception
Pick your scene and take direction
And all in all I search to connect
But I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

CHORUS

I can't escape the pain
I can't control the rage
Sometimes I think that I'm gonna go insane
I'm not against what's right
I'm not for what's wrong
I'm just making my way and I'm gone

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders

CHORUS (2)

**Shinedown-Fly**

Rawr, I had soo much fun at the concert. Mosh pits are evil. and so is head banging, and so is loud music. I can't move, nor can I fucking hear! I met a guy named Mike...which awesome kid. Really sweet, cute too. Talked to him. Headbanged alot. Got sang too..held hands with Shinedown lead singer. Talked to the band members and got autographs, drumsticks and a shirt.

I'm grounded. No computer, no phone. I think the reason I'm ground is bullshit. I went to school, feeling like I was fucking dying...I went to the nurse and she called up my mom when she saw me. and now I'm ground because I feel like shit! Rawr, I hate parents. I can't wait until I move out. 4 more years!! yay!

[	mood	|	SUPER HAPPY	]
[	music	|	Flaw-Not Enought	]

Forging a difference
We summon existance
This distance is not what it seems
Painstaking process
It pulls at our instincts
We're living outside of our means
So long, I've hoped
To be strong
Down-sloped

[pre-chorus]
And the damage will commence
The beginning of the end
And the damage will commence

[chorus]
All these occurances bring me to life
All that I've sacrificed makes it seem right
Don't underestimate how hard I'll try
This is our final cry

Placing a marker on what I must offer
It's slowly becoming unfair
Will I recover from being pulled under
I'm desperate and gasping for air
So long, I've hoped
To be strong
Down-sloped

This is not anything that came from me
You have embedded it within my seed
All of my memories are blending in
Now the real damage will begin

[pre-chorus]

[chorus]

This is our final cry [repeat]
It's the beginning of the end

[chorus]

This is our final cry [repeat]

**Flaw-Finial Cry**

Taylor and her daddy are taking me to pearl street to see shinedown! Omg, I love them soo freaking much!!!! I dunno how I could ever repay them. That's my bday gift. I wish I could meet them but hell seeing them is going to rule!

Thanks Taylor's Dad and Taylor!! Love You Both!!!

Anyways, I hate being a girl *cramp* and guess what??? I hate school too. Everyone loves the bother me..but they aren't going to get to me...Acara is gone...no more her. Anyways, I'm off like a prom dress on prom night!

[	mood	|	content	]
[	music	|	Zeromancer-Dr.Online	]

Anyways, I've been thinking. I realized why I cut. At 1st I thought it was because of my parents. and some of my friends think it is. Yes, my dad treats me like shit..but doesn't all parents treat their kids like shit until they move out??? My mom she's there for me..even tho she can be a bitch. And my brother...he's everything you hate and everything you love all mixed together. He gets me out of trouble, and I stick up for him.

The reason I cut is becaus I grew up in such a perfect, nice, loving life. My parents loved me, my family loved me. I was spoiled (sorta still am) and all i could was smile and be happy. Then BOOM suddenly everything disappeared. My parents started to fight, I didn't go to family get togethers. And I cut cuz I want that perfect life back...I want my old life back...but sometimes when i do get parts of it back..I have to cut to break the perfectness of it. Like North Carolina...on my birthday what more can a kid want? I got a cell phone. Clothes, books, and cds. I mean best birthday. But I ended up cutting! How is that a best birthday? Last year..Mike band played at my party...boom at the hospital not even 2 hours in my party.

The 1st fucking cut I made was because of Mike. He said I was too selfish to cut myself or  harm my body. BOOM...cuts up and down my arms. My best friend Bishop aka Ashley cried..(she moved away and we bearly see each other) I didn't know what to do with myself after that...so i turned to self harm. I mean come on Raquel your smarter than that. But now I turn to cutting over the fucking littleist things. We I fight with my friends..cut..when my parents fight...cut...when i had a bad day...cut

Okay, I'm done with this bullshit of mine. And I'm going to be a good friend. No more hurting you guys, no more using you guys, no more excuses. I want my old life back, I want my old self back. No more personal demons in my fucking head. No more of my problems on your shoulders that you have to take care of.

**Maybe everything will be okay**

I stayed home today...one i can't breath two my head hurts three my hips hurt four i need a break

therefore I wont be on MSN or AIM today....TOMORROW i will

[	mood	|	stressed	]
[	music	|	Slipknot-Danger Keep Away	]

(i know) the only thing i ever really loved, was hurting you.

(i know) the only thing i ever really loved, was hate. --To Gareth--

[	mood	|	crappy	]
[	music	|	Slipknot-Vermilion (Part 2)	]

**Slipknot-Circle**

Give me the dust of my father
Stand on the face of the ancients
Bare the secret flesh of time itself

Follow me (Follow me)
I've come so far behind again
Follow me (Follow me)
Wish so hard I'm there again
Follow me (Follow me)
Follow me (Follow me)

All that I wanted the dreams I had before
All that I needed I've never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings waiting to begin

I know the way that I faulter
Can't be afraid of my patience
There's a sacred place where Razel keeps safe

Follow me (Follow me)
I've seen so much I'm behind again
Follow me (Follow me)
I feel so bad I'm in love again
Follow me (Follow me)

All that I wanted the dreams I had before
All that I needed I've never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings waiting to begin

I am home in wonderful mass...no more richy north carolina!!! You have no clue how loud those fucking NASCAR cars are....I'm still deaf :\

Anyways, I unpacked...much fun. I'm listening to Slipknot and they have a few soft songs...its really scary...well not really...just different. 

Rawr, I had another mental breakdown on friday...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and I almost grabbed my razor...but I didn't cuz i swallow the urge and the i shoved my finger down my throat and threw up the urge :S i fell asleep on the bathroom floor too. I woke up around noon... :(

I have school tomorrow and I got a shitload of papers to fucking do, and a test to take. Rawr, I'm going to have a mental breakdown either tonight or tomorrow..I fucking hate this...I turning into something I never wanted to be.

**Immortal Kisses And Immortal Broken Hearts**

[	mood	|	content	]
[	music	|	me typing and the quietness of the house	]

Okay, I am leaving tomorrow at noon!!!! yay! Anyways, I have my OWN room and OWN bathroom in the house I'm staying at. My shower is clear, like the glass one. (I'm on my unlce's million dollar pc) idk if its a million but it was ALOT of money.

Thursday-Went to Lowe's Speedway to watch a few races. The cars are really loud.

Friday-Lazy day, walked around the "perfect world" (the place I'm staying at) tanned...yes, i am tan..not alot tho. Went downtown for the Raceway street. That was insane..got few autographs, but i missed the Fuel signing...

Saturday-Bush race. More loud cars. Got even more tanned. Came home around 6 and had dinner with the family..fun..

Sunday or Today-Went to Concord Mills. (it had over 200 stores in it) My mommy bought me stuff from Hot Topic. They treated us like Queens cuz we were from Mass and they said they don't get alot of people from outta state. I got pants, socks, earrings, and a shirt. Then we went to FYE and got Slipknot's new cd. Then we went to Build A Bear and I made myself a bear...named Acara. I got clothes for it too. Then we went to a Bookstore and mommy bought me a book...called Scared Stiff. and now I am on thy pc at thy house...lol

Rawr, the house is HUGE!! I took pics and I'll post them on hurr for you all to see. Elsa is sooo cute now. I been taking care of her most of the time. Right now my dad is VIP at the race and getting autographs from NASCAR racers. and watching the Pepsi 600. I wish I could have gone, its wicked cool and the crashes are AWSOME!!! I got pics from the race too...i'll post them too.

I miss you guys alot!!!! I can't wait to get home. Rawr, I miss you all sooo much.